The swig

*Gag*

Having just taken my first swig of any existing energy drink on the market, let me make my utter disgust known to the world. Yes, that's right, it is a sweeping generalization. Since we all understand that coffee is not an energy drink, I don't mind condemning all the other grog-like concoctions I haven't tried.

It all started Tuesday when I was just about to board an elevator in the Viking Union. A student sitting at a window table called to me...

"Excuse me sir," he said with his best car salesman demeanor pinned on top of his ordinary student looks. "Can you identify these cans?"

There he sat, gesturing with a professional flare to his row of seven or so cans, lined up with their backs to me.

"Red Bull," I answered.

"Good job! Here, have you tried it?"

"No," I said. "It's just really caffeinated right?"

"Yes...oh, are you not able to have caffeine?"

I laughed...hard...took the can and stepped into the elevator.

"Good job on guessing," he called after me as the doors closed. I just stood and wondered how desperate I would have to seek his job.

Fast forward to last night.

My coworker Mike and I were sitting for break at 6. I happened to mention the above episode. He was amused--and also surprised. Red Bull is pretty expensive, he said.

"Maybe you should sell that can," he joked. I laughed at the thought of me walking around the Com Building trying to hawk a single can of Red Bull for a profit of 2 bucks.

Fast forward to this afternoon.

I was just contemplating my options for lunch and decided to patronize the Atrium before heading to a computer to finish a past-due mini-project. I picked out a small wrap, and then stood irresolute as to whether I should buy a drink. I didn't want to spend a bundle like I have before (easy to do in the Atrium) on ton of small items. I shook back the inclination toward an apple juice and took my little wrap to the counter. Besides, I reasoned, this might finally motivate me to try that Red Bull sitting in a pocket on my backpack. If I don't like it, I can just dump the rest.

I took a seat, after warming my refrigerated wrap, opened it and took a bite. I then pulled out the can, hesitated for a second, then cracked it open. Out rose the obligatory vapor, designed perhaps to encourage us to subconsciously ascribe some mystical power to this beverage. Oops, I thought, there goes my two dollar pawn profit.

Two more bites and I grabbed the can and downed a mouthful... It was gross. Accuse me of not having an open mind, of being a coffee snob--I don't care; this had one of the most sickening aftertastes ever. I even tried several more swigs just to be sure I wasn't just fooling myself--no, I still got the impression I was drinking caffeinated chemical-heavy perfume. I think it is no coincidence they put these words right below the top on the opening side (where you are sure to see it as you move it toward your face):

Improves performance, especially during times of increased stress or stain. Increases endurance. Increases concentration and improves reaction speed. Stimulates the metabolism.

Hmmm. Perhaps, but maybe not today.